being little

This post is going to be a bit ranty, because… well I’ve seen so many discussions of late that irritate me.

Being little does not mean I am incapable, broken, or have daddy (as in real life bio father) issues. Being little does not mean I am weak, overly or excessively needy. Being llittle does not mean I need guidance, someone to curb my spending habits, someone tell me what to (and not to) eat or when to go to bed.

I am little, but I am also an adult who has adult, real world responsibilities to my Master/Papa, children, grandchildren, siblings, parents, and friends. I have a business to run, a home to maintain, and a social life. I do not promote the notion that being little is an excuse for… anything really. If you use being little as a cop out for handling life as an adult, we have nothing in common and I will have little patience for you (even in the virtual world). I also have no use for learned helplessness or a supposed reduction in cognitive behavior and partners of littles who encourage those behaviors.

I am a regressive little. This is not role-play for me, rather it is part of who I am at the core of my being. The best way I can describe what being little means to me is that I view life through a wide eyed, child-like naivete. I am tenderhearted and always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe what I’m told (Why yes, you can sell me that bridge, thank you!) and I trust everyone, until given a reason not to. However, once you’ve lost my trust, I will never trust you again, always keeping you at arm’s length.

That is all… for now.

 

 

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TAT*/CNC relationship

There was a discussion opened in a forum on Kinkster Life the other day that asked:

Has there been any difficult part for you of being in a CNC relationship that would not have come about if you were in another relationship type?

I was getting ready to reply with my standard answer about how I don’t struggle very much as I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the type of relationship where I feel the securest and function the best. And then I remembered what has been going on with me over the last couple of weeks.

Master demands transparency from me. The vast majority of the time he gets it… in spades, I often wonder if he gets overwhelmed form me letting it all hang out. A couple of weeks ago, something came up. I processed it on my own, sometimes I have to do that in order to be able to put words to my thoughts. After I processed I realized that if I told him how I was feeling about the issue that he very likely would take action in order to protect me/make me feel better. I also knew that if he did that, he would be sacrificing something he wanted. So I said nothing. I wanted him to do whatever it was that he wanted/needed to do in order for him to be happy. What I didn’t realize at the time I decided to bite my tongue was how this decision was going to affect me. Within days I was having anxiety attacks.

The anxiety attacks went on for about 10 days before he sat me down and pried out of me that there was an issue. I still wouldn’t tell him what the issue was, but know he knew something was up. That didn’t last but about 24 hours before he sat me down and demanded to know what was going in. I was still at the point of wrestling with myself, knowing I’d feel better just telling him, and not wanting him to change his course of action for me because it would mean sacrificing something he wanted. Like we always do, we talked through it. And I did feel better on one hand, but on the other hand I also felt terribly selfish knowing he’d put my desires above his own.

The following day he pounded into my thick skull that keeping something, anything, from him was not an option. That by not being open and honest about how I felt I was taking away his ability/right/desire to take for me. I explained how selfish all this made me feel, knowing he’d choose me over his desires. He again stressed how that is not my call. Can I just take a minute and say, “UGH!” This truly is not resolved in my head. I feel like a partnership, which is very much what we have, is a give and take. It doesn’t feel like it’s a give and take when his default seems to be to sacrifice for me most of the time.

So to answer the question that was posed. Transparency can sometimes be difficult for me, much more difficult that I’ve been able to admit until now. The other thing that remains difficult for me is the fact that I punish myself. I am far harder on myself than he is on me. This has been an issue we’ve struggled to overcome since the beginning of our relationship.

How these issues will play out in the long run, I don’t know. However I do know I have some work to do and in good conscious I can no longer say, “I don’t struggle,” because that would only be lying to myself.

*TAT = total authority transfer

But will it stick?

Not if you use parchment paper… but that not what I’m referring to.

Every year, for the past five or six years, in early January I decide I’m going to blog. Initially I told myself, “I am going to blog every day!” How unrealistic is that? For me? Terribly. In the past few years I have not saddled myself with such unrealistic expectations, however I was determined to blog once or twice a week, that’s it. Although when I didn’t I beat up on myself (I do that a lot). So here I am again, in January and looking back thinking, “If I had only blogged once a week for the past three years, I would have 156 entries.” So what is going to make this year any different? If I try this again, will it stick?

I think so. I am going to build on the progress I made over the last calendar year with my reading. In March 2016 I discovered that http://goodreads.com did not just have reviews of books, but they also have discussion groups that choose a book(s) of the month to read, and a program after my own heart… annual reading goals. Initially I set a reading goal of 26 books for 2016 (one book every two weeks). I passed that goal so early that I changed my goal to 52 (a book a week). At the end of December I was shocked that I actually surpassed that goal and read 60 books. That is pretty awesome considering I did not start working toward the goal until March, I took almost two full months off due to illness and the holidays, and I am dyslexic which causes me to read slowly.

So, no New Year’s resolution, no pressure, just another attempt at doing this again. One day, one step at a time.