There was a discussion opened in a forum on Kinkster Life the other day that asked:
Has there been any difficult part for you of being in a CNC relationship that would not have come about if you were in another relationship type?
I was getting ready to reply with my standard answer about how I don’t struggle very much as I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the type of relationship where I feel the securest and function the best. And then I remembered what has been going on with me over the last couple of weeks.
Master demands transparency from me. The vast majority of the time he gets it… in spades, I often wonder if he gets overwhelmed form me letting it all hang out. A couple of weeks ago, something came up. I processed it on my own, sometimes I have to do that in order to be able to put words to my thoughts. After I processed I realized that if I told him how I was feeling about the issue that he very likely would take action in order to protect me/make me feel better. I also knew that if he did that, he would be sacrificing something he wanted. So I said nothing. I wanted him to do whatever it was that he wanted/needed to do in order for him to be happy. What I didn’t realize at the time I decided to bite my tongue was how this decision was going to affect me. Within days I was having anxiety attacks.
The anxiety attacks went on for about 10 days before he sat me down and pried out of me that there was an issue. I still wouldn’t tell him what the issue was, but know he knew something was up. That didn’t last but about 24 hours before he sat me down and demanded to know what was going in. I was still at the point of wrestling with myself, knowing I’d feel better just telling him, and not wanting him to change his course of action for me because it would mean sacrificing something he wanted. Like we always do, we talked through it. And I did feel better on one hand, but on the other hand I also felt terribly selfish knowing he’d put my desires above his own.
The following day he pounded into my thick skull that keeping something, anything, from him was not an option. That by not being open and honest about how I felt I was taking away his ability/right/desire to take for me. I explained how selfish all this made me feel, knowing he’d choose me over his desires. He again stressed how that is not my call. Can I just take a minute and say, “UGH!” This truly is not resolved in my head. I feel like a partnership, which is very much what we have, is a give and take. It doesn’t feel like it’s a give and take when his default seems to be to sacrifice for me most of the time.
So to answer the question that was posed. Transparency can sometimes be difficult for me, much more difficult that I’ve been able to admit until now. The other thing that remains difficult for me is the fact that I punish myself. I am far harder on myself than he is on me. This has been an issue we’ve struggled to overcome since the beginning of our relationship.
How these issues will play out in the long run, I don’t know. However I do know I have some work to do and in good conscious I can no longer say, “I don’t struggle,” because that would only be lying to myself.
*TAT = total authority transfer